Accepting Responsibility for Your Role in Unhealthy Conflict

Blaming your spouse for the conflict perpetuates the problem. It’s important to remember that it takes two people to contribute to an unhealthy conflict. In fact, unhealthy conflict is like a tug of war. If you let go of the rope, it doesn’t mean your partner wins, it means you aren’t interested in playing that way. Learn how to accept responsibility for your role in conflict so you can make changes to the way you and your spouse argue.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing. In fact, in a marriage, conflict is inevitable. However, many couples engage in passionate disputes where each partner wants to “win.” Turning a disagreement into a competition isn’t healthy and it tends to bring out some undesirable behaviors.

“Dirty Tricks” During Conflict

When a couple is arguing there are certain “dirty tricks” that are sometimes use to try and win a fight. These dirty tricks are usually intended to hurt the other person, derail the argument, or gain a competitive edge. It’s important to recognize if you are guilty of using any of these dirty tricks during an argument.

Insulting your partner is a dirty trick. This can include name calling, sarcasm, mocking, or making fun of the other person. The intent is usually to make the other person feel worse which may make it impossible for them to continue arguing or may cause them to change the subject. Insults can also include non-verbal gestures such as eye rolling, sighing, or other signs of obvious disapproval.

Threats are never acceptable. People may threaten to leave their partner, take the children, get divorced, take away something from the other person, or even physically harm the other person. Yelling or getting in the other person’s face is also a form of intimidation. Trying to coerce your partner into giving in out of fear is not going to be successful in the long run.

Bringing up the past is another dirty trick. Perhaps every time a couple argues, one of them brings up a mistake their partner made five years ago. Reminding your spouse of past mistakes is an attempt to guilt your partner into doing something. It also can change the subject. If the heat is on you, bringing up your spouse’s mistakes might at least temporarily change the subject. It doesn’t solve the problem at hand.

There are lots of other “dirty tricks.” For example, sometimes crying can be a dirty trick if the person uses it as an attempt to make their partner feel bad or to manipulate the situation. It’s important to examine your arguments to determine what tactics you and your partner tend to use when you are arguing.

Responding to Your Partner’s Dirty Tricks

Sometimes people pride themselves on not using any dirty tricks “first” but claim they just can’t help themselves. For example, “I do fine until my wife calls me names. Then I start calling her names back. I have to stand up for myself. I can’t just let her think it is okay to treat me that way.” It’s important to remember that you don’t have any control over how your partner behaves but you can control your own behaviors. Just because your partner resorts to unfair fighting tactics doesn’t mean you have to.

Develop a plan for how you can respond to your partner’s behaviors. Sometimes it makes sense to take a break from the subject you are discussing to point out your spouse’s behaviors. For example, say, “It’s not fair that you are bringing up the past. Please stop doing that so we can focus on our current problem.”

If you are both angry, agree to take a break if you cannot continue discussing the problem in a helpful way. Don’t resort to calling your partner names back or yelling or threatening. Instead, this will only make the problem worse. Developing a plan for how you will change your approach to the conflict is important and stick to that plan, even if your partner’s behaviors are not what you had hoped.

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