Can Marriage Problems Be Solved?

Various research studies show that the divorce rate is somewhere around or above 50% for first marriages. The statistics for second marriages are even grimmer with up to 75% of marriages ending in divorce. Most marriages end within the first seven years. With these sorts of statistics, the question becomes, can marriage problems be solved? Or are most marriages doomed to end in divorce.

There certainly are some people who just marry the wrong person. Perhaps they became infatuated and overlooked the fact that they were truly incompatible. Some differences just can’t be solved. For example, if you want to have children and your partner doesn’t, there just isn’t any way to compromise on that in a healthy way. This is something that should have been discussed prior to becoming married.

However, most marriages don’t end because of irreconcilable differences. Instead, most couples argue about the small stuff, which leads to larger problems. Some of the most common arguments are about household responsibilities and money.

How can an issue, like not agreeing on who should do the dishes lead to divorce? Often, one or both, people feel that they do the bulk of the work. One person also tends to have a lower threshold for disorder and chaos. This person tends to want the yard to be kept up more, the house to be neater, and the paperwork to be more organized.

When it comes to money, couples don’t always agree how much to save and how much to spend. Living paycheck to paycheck can be another source of stress. And determining what is a need versus a luxury can cause conflict.

Often these feelings of hurt and anger are not expressed. Sometimes they build. Then they come out as anger toward the other person. When the other person’s behaviors don’t change, resentment can build. As resentment builds, people sometimes start to re-think their marriage and their happiness in life. The more they start thinking about these sorts of things, their dissatisfaction grows. They may also start to behave less loving toward their spouse, further damaging the relationship. Their general unhappiness may cause them to not be as good of a partner and they may say, “you’re not the person I married.”

Kelly and Pete had been married for three years. Pete worked full-time and Kelly worked part-time. They had a two year old child. Pete thought that since Kelly was home more than he was, she should do the bulk of the work around the house. Kelly thought that she basically worked two jobs, since she was a full-time mom and employed part-time. She thought Pete should do the bulk of the work around the house. They argued about chores occasionally.

Kelly had less of a tolerance for a messy house so she often gave up spending time with friends and family in order to clean. She had less time for hobbies as well and reported less overall satisfaction in life. When she spends her weekends cleaning, she often spent the time thinking about how Pete doesn’t love her and how he can’t be bothered to pitch in. She grew resentful quickly and would often do things such as refuse to do his laundry because she felt this would at least force him to do something. Pete began to view her as less fun than she used to be. The household responsibilities were causing them to communicate less, argue more, and have a less loving relationship overall.

Unfortunately, this scenario isn’t unique. Many couples grow bitter and angry in this fashion. So how can couples prevent small things from becoming big problems in the marriage? Keep the lines of communication open. Talk about your feelings without passing judgment, calling names or making threats. Also, be aware that having different opinions about money and chores isn’t a bad thing. Instead, having differences in opinion can be a good thing.

Remember the importance of working together as a team. Your overall goals are the same- to live together in a happy and healthy home. Pay attention to the small things and deal with them as they arise, to prevent them from becoming overwhelming and leading to dissatisfaction.